Narcissa's all singing, all dancing fic, part one!
by Narcissa. B
Summary: This is a story set in Harry's fifth year, where once again he encounters trouble with Voldemort. All turns out fine, and much fun is had by all!
1. Default Chapter

  
Hi everyone! This is Narcissa, and this is my second fan-fic attempt. Please please please reveiw it, 'cos I really want to hear what you think! (Unless, obviously, you're one of those evil, embittered old hacks who are working for the dark side and will try and tell me I - 'Should be studying instead of doing this!' But we don't have any of those here, I hope!...) The action in this story is shown in brackets, and the conversation is written in script form. The story takes place on hallowe'en of Harry's fifth year at hogwarts, and, (and really I'm not just plugging it here!) I think it might help if you've read my first fan-fic, which might make sense of some of the stuff mentioned here. So, read, and hopefully enjoy! Love,etc. (Author) :-D  
  
( Harry poured himself a second glass of pumpkin juice, and struggled into wakefulness. He felt weak and exhausted. What should have been a refreshing sleep after another entertaining, yet arduous quidditch practice had turned into the longest night of his life. He didn't actually get to sleep for about five hours, and when he finally did, his sleep was riddled with bad dreams. When he had finally tossed and turned his way through the night, far from feeling ready to face the day, he felt as though he'd been running a gauntlet of manticores throughout the midnight hours...On its own, the experience of another sleepless night wouldn't have troubled Harry too much; his dreams were rarely the halycon stuff of fairy-tales. But this time, he had other things on his mind. Exactly one year before, Harry had awoken from a nightmare, in which Lord Voldemort had warned him to beware, as he had made some troublesome 'alterations' to the planned halowe'en festivities, a muggle music day. Harry had only realised Voldemort was to blame at the last moment, but thankfully Ron, Hermione and Sirius had helped dispose of Voldemort, and foiled his evil schemes, which had involved making several people sing incredibly stupid songs all over the school. Harry frowned across the near-deserted Gryffindor table. Proffessor Dumbledore, ever keen to adavance the school's grasp of muggle culture, had announced the evening before that he had decided to add a third muggle music day to the annual halowee'n celebrations, following the success of last years'. Each student who sang a muggle song during the day would also receive ten points for their house. This idea was greeted with glee and great pleasure by almost all the students, but not by Harry. Although Dumbledore had not been present when Voldemort made his last appearance, in the cave Sirius and Buckbeak the Hippogriff shared on the mountainside near the wizarding village of Hogsmeade, Harry was sure he would have heard all about it through his correspondance with Sirius. If this had been the case, it seemed curious that he had chosen firstly to reinstate the muggle music day, and secondly to permit another Hogsmeade weekend. Still, Harry was sure Dumbledore had things firmly under control, and he wasn't going to complain at anything that gave him a chance to go and visit his Godfather. As an image of Sirius drifted into his mind, Ron and Hermione bounded into the great hall, appearing on his right and left sides, in a mood of cheerful good humour. They settled down next to Harry, and began to help themselves to breakfast.  
  
Hermione: So, Harry! All set for the Hogsmeade trip?  
  
Ron: (butting in) Mmmmm! I am! Can't wait to get back inside Honeydukes!   
  
Hermione: (rolling her eyes) As I believe you may have mentioned once or twice already, Ron. Once or twice a second, that is...  
  
Ron: ( finishes chewing to grin wickedly) Ignore Hermione, Harry. She's just angry 'cos she find the list of all the excellant new joke stuff I'm going to buy in Dervish & Banges. She thinks I'm going to pollute her precious books with insult-a-mate ink!  
  
Harry: (laughing at Hermione's sour expression and noting privately how much she looked like proffessor McGonagall when the latter was cross.) Er..... yeah Ron! And in answer to your question, Hermione, yes I'm nearly sorted, but, (he lowers his voice), if you two can spare the time, I think it might be an idea to swipe some food for 'snuffles' and Buckbeak. I've arranged to meet Dobby behind the statue of the one-eyed witch, -you know the one I mean....  
  
Ron: (raising his eye-brows and struggling to be heard over the noise of multiple muggle songs, which were erupting from various areas of the hall), Harry, is it really safe for us to be up there? I mean, last time we found we had Snape on your case - bet he's still bitter about that - and you nearly lost the invisibility cloak, and the marauders' map! We can't risk him catching us there again. He'd have you up before Dumbledore for sure this time, and we'd have a pretty hard time explaining a small food mountain and a load of bones away!  
  
Hermione: (with an thoughtful expression) I know, why don't we go and meet Dobby down in the kitchens instead? What time did you say we would meet him, Harry?  
  
Harry: (glancing at his watch and mumbling through a mouthful of toast) 'Bout fifdeen minitueth  
  
(Hermione looked bemused , Ron impatient)  
  
Ron: (sighing) Fifteen minutes, Hermione.  
  
(Hermione's face cleared) Great! So all we have to do is go and find him in the kitchens now, before he sets off!  
  
(Hermione pulled Harry and Ron up out of their seats, and, spilling food everywhere and grumbling, they trudged after Hermione, who had marched out of the great hall and was heading down to the kitchens...Harry was pleased to note that all the muggle songs he could hear from the great hall behind him appeared to have their ordinary words...  
  
* * *  
  
(The Hogwarts kitchens were usually a sight to behold, but the traditional halowe'en feast was obviously keeping the hundred or so house elves even more busy than usual. Great mounds of creamy puddings glistened as elves scurried everywhere, fetching unusual ingredients, making enchanted pies which cackled when you cut them, or stirring great cauldrons of bubbling, treacle-like toffee, with which the students would glue their teeth together at the feast that evening. Harry stared around in awe, while Ron capered about, dipping a finger in a pan, or sniffing delightedly at a new smell issuing from one of the cavernous ovens. Hermione, however, would not be distracted from the job in hand.... Dobby could just be seen, swaying slightly beneath a great pile of assorted food and fleshy bones, neatly wrapped in cellophane, staggering around at the other end of the vast kitchens. As he looked up, (he was immediately recognisable because of his lurid socks, purple and green on the right foot, with orange pumpkins, gold, black, and white on the left foot, with a pattern of witches' hats), Hermione swooped on him, dragging Ron away from a pile of treacle tarts by the cuff, and beckoning frantically to Harry, who was still silently salavating.)  
  
Hermione: Hi Dobby! I am glad we've found you! Look, is it O.K if we take the food from here? I think it'll be safer, and Harry is incli-  
  
Ron: (interupts, looking glassy-eyed) Hi Dobby! nice to eat you again! Lovely pudding, er, morning!  
  
(Harry strolled over in time to elbow Ron in the ribs, and greeted Dobby) Harry: Morning Dobby! Wow, thanks, that's loads of food!  
  
Dobby: (bowing delightedly and grinning toothily) Aah! Nothing is too much trouble for you or your friends, Sir, of whose kindness and generosity Dobby and all of my kind know well! Are you sure there is not anything else I could be doing for you, Sirs or miss? We have a few spare cakes already which we would not be enjoying at all ourselves! House elves -(Dobby shivered slightly, and, huge eyes widening, turned to Harry)- is not liking caramel, Sir. We finds it all down our pillow-cases in a trice, Sir. (Dobby shook his head fretfully) Ooooh! It's tricksy stuff, yes certainly Sir! So if you would be so kind, if you could just take it with you Sirs, we -   
  
(Dobby stopped suddenly, in mid flow, and turned to stare at Ron, who was starting to act very strangely. His expression had become extremely vacant, and, head on one side, he had the look of a dog, listening attentively to some far away sound that his humans can't hear. Slowly his mouth began to open, and a quiet little tune began to seep insidiously into the deliciously scented air. Harry and Hermione gaped in horror. Hermione paled, and shouted over the racket of clanking pans,)  
  
Hermione: HARRY! Does this mean what I think it means????!!!!!!  
  
Harry: Noooo! NO! It just couldn't happen again! ( Author's note: Ah, but anything can happen in 1 of my fan-fics, Harry!)   
  
Hermione: But it is! HAHAHA!  
  
(Harry stared at Hermione in amazement.) Harry: What on earth's so funny?! We have a voldey crises on our hands and you're having hysterics??!!  
  
Hermione: (Still laughing) Yeah! I know, only I happen to think Ron really deserves this considering how he went on about MY song, last time! (She fights to adjust her huge grin) But, er, this is a really terrible thing, and, um, we'll sort it out! Yep! We've got to, -hehehe!- wait for Ron to come to his senses!   
  
(In the mean time, the music was growing louder and louder and Harry, who had seen exactly the same thing last year, knew that they didn't have any choice. The situation was hopeless. They were going to have to endure Ron's singing. Aaaaah! Torture of all tortures! (Unless you count hearing Sirius sing, but then , we'll come to that later!) All the elves were stopping work around them, and turning to stare at Ron with their huge, orb-like eyes. Any minute now.....  
And the tune of American Pie reverberated at top volume around the kitchen. Harry and Hermione could barely stand the noise, and the elves were all flapping their huge ears in pain. But then it got worse.......  
  
Ron: (To the tune of American Pie)   
  
A long , long time ago, I can still remember  
how my Mum would make really great pies!  
And I knew that if they could, at all,   
Fred and George would scoff them all,  
so I captured one and told a few white lies....  
  
( Ron tosses caramel cakes into the air, and questions the house-elves)  
  
Do you still want me to take these?  
Well, you know me, I aim to please,  
If the house elves tell me so!  
  
Now do yo-ou believe in syrup roll,   
and can roast beef save your mortal soul,  
Or can you teach me why Hermione eats so-oo-o slow?!  
  
(Ron, bounding around the kitchen with hands in the air, as the house elves sway, holding lit cooks' matches, and Harry and Hermione have noisy hysterics at Ron's squawking, faces Dobby)   
  
Dobs, I know you've got the biscuit tin,   
'cos I saw you hide it when I came in!  
I'll just take some, a few,  
Man, I want something to che-eeeew!  
  
(Ron eyes the last remaining biscuit, eats it, and then adds,)  
  
Hmmmmm, perhaps this lonely biscuit here  
would like a bit of festive cheer?   
So, where's the butter-beer, round here?  
Aah! Please! A drink - I'm fried!  
  
(Ron's atrocious singing is now finally getting to the poor house elves, who are attempting to put candy-floss in their ears. Dobby quickly offers generous quantites to Harry and Hermione, who have further hysterics. Ron continues, clearly oblivious... )  
  
Chorus: My, my, what a nice pile of pies!  
Could you hurry with that drink there, elves,  
my throat's getting dry!  
Get Harry one there, or he's going to cry!  
  
Hermione: (Howling) From laughter!  
  
Ron: (glaring at Hermione) So today is a good day to drink wines,  
Oh, God give me some help with these li-iiines!  
  
(Ron's shrieking reaches a new high, or rather, low, and Harry and Hermione, with a sudden flash of inspiration, finally manage to stop him by shoving the elvish candyfloss into his ears, so he can't hear the tune. Almost as soon as Ron stops singing, the music fades and dies, and he snaps out of his trance. Chaos now reigns in the kitchen...Elves are rolling around the floor, banging their ears with frying pans, and one particular elf (Winky!, notes Hermione) is trying to jump into the toffee cauldron. Dobby manages to save Winky from death-by-toffee, and has some advice for Harry...)  
  
Dobby: Ah! Sir! Clearly you has been coming on one of Winky's bad days! Normally she is so much better now! Oh, Sirs and Miss, Dobby is sorry to say this, but he thinks you should leave! He wouldn't like you to see this! VERY bad service!  
  
(The house-elves, hearing Dobby's words, start to sort themselves out, shamefacedly, and pull the candyfloss out of their ears...)  
  
Harry: Don't worry Dobby, we aren't offended! We'll just take that food then! So... thanks, and bye!  
  
Hermione: See you soon, Dobby! (Hermione and Harry grab Ron's arms and drag him away from the kitchen. 'Good-bye, Sirs and Miss!' echoes from behind them. They pull Ron into the library nearby, behind the transfiguration section, and wait for him to recover. Two minutes later......)  
  
Ron: (Groaning) Urrrghhhhhh! Did I just do what I think I might have done???!  
  
Hermione: (Sweetly) What, sing? No, it was much worse than that....Personally I thought it was more like the ghoul in your attic...  
  
Harry: Ron, are you O.K? (Ron was looking slightly suicidal)   
  
Ron: (hoarsly) Did anyone......Hear it?  
  
Hermione: (gleefully) Oh, only about, hmmm, 100 house-elves, oh, and us, obviously. I had no idea you were so obsessed with food! I mean, I knew you liked it, but I might have been more sensitive if I'd thought -   
  
Ron: Huh?!  
  
Hermione: Oops! My mistake! You don't remember a thing do you? Must be the butter-beer!  
  
Harry: (frowning) All right, Hermione, give it a rest! We've got to start thinking about what we're going to DO about this. Now we know it's...He's - definitely back, we have to do something fast.....  
  
Hermione: Right. Well I think that's pretty simple. Who helped us get rid of Voldemort last time?? I think we should go and see Sirius. It's still only 8:45, and we need to take him this food, anyway.  
  
(Hermione stood up resolutely, as though that settled the matter, and walked around the corner. Straight into an eavesdropping Proffessor Snape.)  
  
Harry: (ironically) Getting a feeling of deja vu, anyone??...  
  
Snape: Well, well, well....Potter, Weasley and Miss Granger! Plotting another daring little charade, I hear! Hogsmeade weekend, indeed...Visiting 'Sirius' are you? Well I see no reason why we shouldn't take this little episode straight to the h-  
  
Harry, Ron and Hermione: OBLIVIATE!  
  
(The three spells hit Snape at the same time, and he fell to the floor with an almighty crash that shook the library. The spellcasters themselves stared in shock)  
  
Snape: (Dreamily) Who am I?! What am I?! Where are the armadillo's gloves, I had them just a minute ago!  
  
Ron: God, we're really in for it now! I suggest we get out of here! And fast!   
  
(Still in a dazed state, Harry, Ron and Hermione dashed out of the library, and headed for the path that would take them to Hogsmeade. And they might have got away with not having to hear Snape sing again too, except -  
  
  
Except that I'm going to have to get this uploaded in more than one part or it'll get too long, and I sense a good place to stop!   
So, even though this part one was slightly more boring than I'd hoped, everyone who managed to read this far, please go and read part two, because it can't get any worse than this, can it?, and really, how could anyone bear to miss Snape's song?! (Which is fun for me, even if it is a little insane...) So, hope to see you in part 2, guys!  
Thanks for reading! - Narcissa :-D  
  



	2. chapter 2

Hey everyone! Congratulations, you have reached installemant 2 of my second fan-fic, which has been duly filed under humour again because I'm at a loss where else to put it! But anyway, get down to the fic already! Here comes part 2.....P.S please review it if you have the time! So, where were we.... Ah yes.....  
  
(Harry, Ron and Hermione, still slightly dazed, headed quickly off towards the path that would take them to Hogsmeade. And they might have got away without hearing Proffessor Snape sing again, too, except -)  
  
  
Part 2: (- that almost the last person they wanted to see or hear, ever, but especially when they'd just knocked out a teacher, had just strutted into the library. Draco Malfoy, flanked by Crabbe and Goyle, was just behind them. They froze in their tracks...)  
  
Malfoy: (snearing as usual) What CAN be going on here?..(Malfoy peered down the corridor, and caught sight of Harry, Ron and Hermione. He looked as though Christmas had just decided to come early.)  
  
Malfoy: Oh-hoh! I see! Well, you have got yourselves into a spot of bother, haven't you, Potter and 'chums'? You know how I'd hate to make things any WORSE for you, but I can't help thinking that Proffessor Snape might be the best person to sort this out! ENERVATE!  
  
(Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle chuckled gleefully, and, as Snape came to, made themselves scarce. It occured to Harry to run for it, but he found that his feet were glued to the spot. Snape was getting to his feet. Ron gulped. Hermione seemed to be trying to pretend she didn't exist. And failing. Snape was towering above them now, and appeared to be in the type of rage that Harry had never seen him in since his third year, where Snape had lost his temper so badly, trying to get Harry expelled as he lay in the hospital wing, that he had convinced the Minister for Magic himself that he was somewhat deluded...Snape bared his teeth, eyes flashing, and opened his mouth to yell,)  
  
Snape: WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! Why do I find myself on the floor of the library -  
  
Ron: (gloomily) Damn...He's got his memory back, then!   
  
Snape: NEVER INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TRYING TO EXPELL YOU, WEASLEY! As I was SAYING! For this ABYSMAL crime you can only be reasonably punished by EXPUL-  
  
( Just as Snape was getting to the point, a mysterious thing happened... Harry, Ron and Hermione recognised immediately what was happening, and for the first and last time in their lives, they couldn't help but be thankful to mouldy Voldey...Snape was gazing, smiling with a cherub-like countenance, at the library ceiling, and a snippet of tune was winding its way slowly into their hearing.)  
  
Ron: Oh, YES, this is going to be fun!   
  
Hermione: RON!  
  
Harry: Hey look! (Snape was opening his mouth to begin) Showtime!  
  
(With a twirl of his wand, Snape ups the volume on 'Slim Shadie...'  
  
Snape: ( Standing over Harry, Ron and Hermione menacingly and scowling)   
May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Proff. Snapie please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real Proff Snapie please stand up?  
We're gonna' have a problem here....  
(Snape began pacing up and down the library, cloak swishing, and making Eminem-type hand gestures. Ron was having trouble controlling his laughter.)  
  
Hermione: Shhhhhh!  
  
Snape: (rapping to er, 'tune' of Slim Shady)  
  
Potter acts like no-one ever hated him before,  
but I make the law, and I'd like to wipe his face on the floor! (Yo! Wassup?!)  
He thinks he's so great, he finds potions a bore -   
  
Ron: (sighs tragically) Don't we all!  
  
Snape: (irked) -Well he should watch it or I'll have his butt out the door! (all-riiiiiiigght!)  
  
It's the return of the - oh wait, no wait, he's a fool! (Jiggy, jiggy)  
Struttin' round, messin' up, thinkin' he *owns* he school!  
And everyone says ' awww! That's sweet, he got his mothers eyes!'  
Well I don't care if he's got mine - the brat just tells me lies! (huh!)  
  
When will the whole world stop lovin' him? Never, then?!  
Ooh, Harry Potter I'm sicka' him!  
Look at him, reminds me of his father so much I always hafta' blink.  
But hey, let's not go there now - he was another fink! (hehe!)  
  
To all the teachers here the little git can do no wrong (uh-huh!)  
They even turn a blind eye when he speaks that parseltongue! (Oh yeah!)  
And Dumbledore suggests again the deal might not be big.  
I say, 'yeah right, your headship *Sir* - hey look, a flyin' pig!...'  
  
The kid is on my nerves, the kid is on my nerves,  
I live in hope that one day he will get what he deserves! (Bwahahaha! Evil cackling!)  
Potter, Weas-e-ley and Granger always do what they want to. (Mm-hm!)  
Some day I'll split that dream-team up -Damn him! And damn her too!   
  
( All the time this was going on, Harry and Ron were in various states of collapse, and Ron was dancing around behind Snape shouting 'Put yo' hands up!' and annoying Hermione, who was still politely listening to the 'song...')  
  
Snape: (Chorus) Weeeeeeeeeeell, I'm the Evil Snapie, I'm the real Evil Snapie  
I'd like to kick out Potter, who gets quite irritating ,  
So won't the real Evil Snapies please stand up, and be proud to be greasy haired swine, who're outta their Minds, and one more time how does it Go-oooooooo?!   
  
( Sadly Harry was deprived of hearing 'how it Go-oooooes!' again, because Snape seemed to have forgotten himself. He was holding his heavy head in his arms, and the music was starting to sound scratchy and far off. He was getting back to normal....)  
  
Ron: (laughing) God that was awful, wasn't it?! Even worse than last year! (He spots Snape) A-ha...W-oah-dear! It's wearing off! We'd better get out of here quickly this time!  
  
( Pausing only to collect the food and drink they'd left on the table, Harry, Ron and Hermione scarpered out of the library, before Snape could wake up enough to give them a years worth of detentions, and sped off down the corridor. As they got out of sight of the library, and slowed to a walk, panting, Hermione looked at her watch.)  
  
Hermione: Hmmm, you know, we should get up at this time every morning!, it's still only 9:15! We can still get to Hogsmeade just after opening if we go now!  
  
Ron: Aaaahhh! The nose biting tea-cups are calling me!  
  
( They headed out of the castle doors, wrapping their cloaks tighter against the chilling wind, which was whistling through their hair, so that Hermione's, which was sticking up at all angles and trapping all the falling leaves, was making her resemble a strange sort of electrocuted wood nymph... Close together for warmth, they half walked, and were half blown, out of the great, cast iron gates, and onto the path that led to the village of Hogsmeade.)  
  
  
* * *  
  
( Having done their shopping, Harry, Ron and Hermione approached the Hogsmeade post-office at about 10:45 , where they were overjoyed to find themselves being greeted by what appeared to everyone else to be a large, bounding, stray dog, which had been curled up quietly outside the Three Broomsticks with a copy of the 'Daily Prophet' in its mouth, and its head on its paws. Thankfully for the workings of my so-called 'plot ,' Harry, Ron and Hermione recognised it as Sirius....)  
  
Harry: (patting the dog's head and whispering) Hello Sirius! We really need to talk, but obviously not here.... Can we still use the cave??   
  
(The dog , pretending to yawn lazily, made a definite nod.)   
  
Ron: (angrily) Oh 'Snuffles!' Isn't it time you found a new home?! I've been carrying this heap for hours! (Ron gestured towards the food and drink loaded into his school bag. If the dog hadn't been a dog, you would have sworn it was grinning...Nudging Ron with its damp nose, the dog made him pass it the bag , and tossed the paper in. Wagging its tail furiously, it barked once, and trotted off up the steep, tiring mountain path that led to Sirius' old hide-out, the mountain cave he shared with Buckbeak the escaped Hippogriff. Almost an hour later, (an hour filled with Ron's grumbling and the others' panting), the three humans and the dog arrived at the camouflaged entrance to the cave. They tumbled in gratefully, and sank down onto the floor, exhausted. Sirius at once transformed back to his ordinary self, and greeted them, still panting.)  
  
Sirius: Well, well! What brings you here so urgently? I'm guessing it wasn't just the pleasure of my company, Harry?  
  
Harry: Oh, um, actually it was pretty much! (Harry had, apparently, completely forgotten the legitimate reason for their visit to Sirius) Have you been getting my owls O.K? I've been a bit worried since the end of last year that something might come up for you, after everything Dumbledore said, and that you wouldn't be here anymore!  
  
Ron: Well, no more fear of that, Harry! Same old blister-making climb as before! Here's your food, by the way Sirius. I know there's some bread in there, see if you can find it....Aaaah! My aching arms! Good thing I thought to bring US some extra food! (Ron turns several cheese sandwhiches, three remarkably unsquashed cream cakes and a large bottle of butter-beer out of his pockets) I'm starving! I tell you, I could eat a Hippogriff!  
  
(Buckbeak makes a shocked squawk and rustles his feathers angrily)  
  
Ron: (Rolling his eyes) Oh, not you!  
  
Sirius: (rumaging for an apple, biting into it noisily, and offering several large bones to a delighted Buckbeak) You know, Harry, you weren't far wrong when you wondered if I'd still be here...Dumbledore's just found me a new place to stay, as part of what I've been doing for him, but I haven't found out where it is yet. I'll send word by owl as soon as I hear anything. (he grimaces) Can't be worse than this, that's for sure!  
  
Harry: Sirius, is there any reason why you couldn't just stay with Dumbledore, and transform if there ever looked like being any trouble? He could just tell people he adopted a dog or something! It happens all the time!  
  
(Hermione, who had been sitting in silence for the past few minutes, was now on her feet, looking as though she couldn't contain herself any longer....)  
  
Hermione: (shouting) HELLO, reality to Harry and Ron! Do you hear yourselves?! Excuse me for reminding you of the BAD NEWS here, but we need to tell Sirius about what's happening down at SCHOOL! I can't BELIEVE you two! Without me you could have TOTALLY forgotten that we've got a V - That we've got a - a   
  
(Hermione seemed to be having trouble getting her words out. Her face wore a look of confusion, and no-one could understand what she was talking about. Sirius, Ron and Harry rushed over to her in concern, and Sirius, kneeling down, questioned her urgently)  
  
Sirius: Hermione! Are you O.K?? What's the problem again? We've got a what?!  
  
(Harry, desperately waving his hand in front of a dazed Hermione's face, in an attempt to wake her up, muttered distractedly)  
  
Harry: We've got a Voldemort crisis....  
  
Sirius: What?!  
  
Ron: (yelling) WE'VE GOT A -  
  
Hermione: ( head lolling, and spluttering) VOLDEM -M-M   
  
Harry: (also shouting) -MORT CRISIS!!  
  
( Just at the moment that the three of them finally managed to make Sirius understand what was going on, it became horribly plain what had been the matter with Hermione. For not the first time, Sirius' cave was shaking, filled with music. Muggle music....The song was -)  
  
Sirius: (clutching his ears in pain) I WILL SURVIVE?! God that is one sick sense of humour he has!  
  
Ron: Ha! Guess he's something of an karaoke fan!  
  
( Before Harry had time to reply, Hermione had begun her song, and had leapt up onto a rock, tossing her hair around and striking a tragic pose. Harry, Ron (who quickly began rummaging in his bag), and Sirius, watched in the knowledge that there was nothing they could do...And anyway, what a shame to miss this opportunity!)   
  
Hermione: (to the tune of 'I will survive!')  
  
We were afraid, we were petrified!  
Kept thinking Harry'd never live with Voldey by his side.  
But Harry spent so many nights just thinking that he'd really gone,  
and he grew strong, and we learned how to get along!  
  
So now he's back, and Wormtail too,  
and as we speak they could be finding their death-eater crew!  
So Wormtail thinks that this is thanks?!  
We would have fed him to Crookshanks!,  
if we had known for just one minute   
he'd be playing evil pranks!  
  
Go on now, go! Get out of here!  
Or I'll get Sirius to bite you fight there on the rear!  
  
Sirius: What?! No chance!!  
  
(A clicking, whirring noise can be heared from somewhere in the cave, but Hermione, oblivious, sings on):   
Weren't you the one who tried to make Harry 'Bye-bye?!'  
Did you think we'd crumble? Did you think he'd lay down and die?  
  
Go on then, try! He will survive!  
Oh, as long as there are good guys Harry must remain alive!  
He's got all his life to live, he's got all the love we give,  
and he'll survive, and we'll survive! (Hermione began dancing around the cave enthusiastically) Yeah, yeah! Heh, heh, heh!  
(She stops, to ressume the 'heartfelt' expression!)  
  
It took all the strength he had not to fall apart,  
when you took the thing most dear to any child's young heart,  
and yes, he spent so many nights wishing you'd died when this began  
- many would cry, but Harry holds his head up high!  
  
You should know he's, somebody new!   
He's not that tiny little baby still at risk from you!  
He nearly killed you,Voldemort, and now just think what he's been taught -  
he just kicked your snakey butt, and you left him with.....A cut?!  
  
So bring it on! (Hermione sang louder and louder, and began punching the air, causing everyone to back off, as she missed Sirius' nose by centimetres... - 'Aaah! watch it!!' -) We're much too strong!  
You know you'll never win while we still have this kick - **** song!  
Why don't you bring your buddies, mate?  
You know you're in a hopeless state!  
We could rid the world of evil and be at the feast for 8!  
YEAH, YEAH, HEH- HEH- HEH! (Hermione, eyes closed, disco music still crashing 'round the cave at rock-concert volume, launched into further 'Yeahs!' and 'Hehs!', now dancing on her rock once more, but then, as the music began to fade and dim, and the strange clicking noise finally stoped, Hermione came to her senses, toppling dizzily off her rock, and into an astonished Ron's arms. Ron almost threw her to the floor in his attempt to stop her injuring something he was holding. Was it another cream cake?! No! Closer inspection reveals it to be........)  
  
Harry: (prising Ron's arms open) A camera? Ron, how could you?!   
  
Ron: (chuckling gleefully) I've been carrying it around for AGES! Don't you remember me promising last year that next time I would get evidence of Hermione in full song? Well now I've done it at las-  
  
Hermione: (shrieking) RON!!!! How could you?!  
  
Ron: Quite easily, as I said! What is this, guilt-trip Ron day? You have no idea how funny you looked Hermione,-and CORNY- but I'm sure you'll appreciate the joke better when you actually SEE -  
  
(Ron's self-defense was interrupted by Sirius, ever the practical one...)  
  
Sirius: O.K, well, we can always fight about that later, but right now, I think we have to concentrate on the matter in hand... We should leave to find Dumbledore right now! I'll come with you down to the school, as fast as we can.... (turning to Buckbeak) Now you stay here, O.K, Beaky?   
  
(Buckbeak, who had become very attatched to Sirius, whined softly, but curled up resignedly with his gift-bones as the others rushed out of the cave, leaving Buckbeak, now happily chewing, as a ferocious guard to all the delicious food they had left behind.)  
  
Aaaaand that's the end of part 2 of this increasingly more unlikely looking one-part fan-fic! Thanks for reading it, and I hope you enjoyed it! I'm going to have to go and write part three, so more of the same story will continue there! This should be the concluding part, I think, but then, you never can tell! ;-D Thanks again, guys!  
- Narcissa, Author :-D  
  
  



	3. chapter 3

Helloooooooooooo fan-fic readers! This is part three, the last part of my fan-fic, and, as far as I know, the end! It picks up, rather obviously, where part 2 left off, and takes the story through to the finish, so read this if you want to know how everything turns out! I know it's only the end bit, but if you feel like reviewing it anyway, I'd be the last to complain! So, hope you enjoy part 3.  
Thanks! -Narcissa, author :-D   
  
  
( Harry, Ron, Hermione and Sirius, in dog form, ran as fast as they could without stumbling on the jagged rocks, hopping and leaping down the mountainside. For every step they took, they were one pace away from the sanctuary of Sirius' cave, but also one pace nearer to proffessor Dumbledore, the one man they needed most in the world in the current state of affairs...After what seemed like hours of stumbling and sweating, they finally came to the bottom, and took the path that wound back to Hogsmeade. At one point, about halfway back to Hogwarts, Harry was tempted to ask for a rest, but given the urgency of their news, he didn't think this was wise...About an hour and a quarter after they had first set off from the cave, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Sirius were nearing the edge of Hogwarts' grounds. The furious, blustering wind was almost blowing them off their feet, and the trees at the entrance to the Forbidden Forest behind them were bent over almost to snapping point, creaking and swishing as though alive, and catching the news-bringers in a hale of tumbling autumnal leaves.)  
  
Harry: (Gasping against the force of the wind, but still grinning) Well, at least it can't get any worse than this!  
  
Ron: (Scrabbling at his cloak which had blown right up over his head) HARRY! Don't you remember what happened the last, what, ten or so times you said that?!  
  
( The gale around them suddenly seemed to be dying down, and Ron's cloak fell abruptly back around his shoulders. Hermione, who had run ahead to catch up with her hat, which had flown off her head for the fourth time, finally caught it. They stopped walking, and listened. The only noise came from Sirius, panting, but still by their sides. The great black dog that was Harry's Godfather had its ears pricked. It appeared to be listening intently. The silence that now prevailed was surely unnatural near the forest....And the wind, which had whistled continually all day, had stopped so quickly, almost as though someone had just flicked a switch. It all seemed so....artificial....Harry felt a familiar unease, but couldn't put his finger on the reason for it. He frowned, and thought deeply. Such strange soundlessness....But it wasn't a song, it was -   
  
Hermione: AAAAAHHHHH! DUCK!   
  
(-Lord Voldemort!...Harry and Ron ducked quickly, but found they had nothing to hide behind. Luckily Voldemort's spell, which none of them had seen coming except Hermione, turning round at the last moment, hissed viciously past them. A moment later, they jumped to their feet again, Sirius back in his natural human shape, and beheld the Forbidden Forest, from which Voldemort had tried to quietly curse them. From between the trees emerged the all too familiar figures of Lord Voldemort and his sycophantic servant, Wormtail. From above Harry's shoulder, Sirius shouted angrily, mainly at Wormtail, his face contorted.)  
  
Sirius: So! Once wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to make a return visit! Well I'd like to see you try to harm a hair on Harry's head within half a mile of Albus Dumbledore, under his very NOSE! I suppose it WAS you who sent us all these *enchanting* songs too?  
  
Voldemort: Well, two out of three isn't bad, er, *Mister* Black. Once was not enough for me. Four times I have failed to kill Harry Potter, and four times, through the protection he has been given and fortune which so favours him he has escaped me. Once was not enough, but this time, boy, (Voldemort turned his face to Harry) you WILL die. You are also correct in saying that these little songs were of my doing. Hardly my main concern, you must understand, but then they did help bring you to me, so they have served their purpose...Your only mistake, I am afraid, lies in suggesting that I would find any difficulty in harming Harry Potter here. Because, as I feel I must point out, we are NOT under Albus Dumbledore's crooked nose. The old fool is currently down in Cornwall, at a meeting of the International Confederation of Wizards. So, you see, my path is clear!  
  
(Voldemort laughed his high, chilling laugh, and Harry felt his scar flood with a pain like the stabbing of icicles.)  
  
Harry: (shouting) Your path is as blocked as it ever was, Voldemort! There are still a whole school full of teachers up in the castle!  
  
Voldemort: (smiling malignantly) True, true. But you see, dear boy, they are up there, and we, we are down here! How do you think you will alert your protectors to your plight while you are so seperated? So near, and yet so far! Yet, perhaps we can have some fun before I kill you all....Why don't we have a little....song?  
  
(The air was rent with Voldemort's cackling again, and as Wormtail's ratty chortling joined it, he swished his wand elaborately, causing music to fill the air around them.   
Everyone forgot their fear in the greater shock of what they were hearing...)  
  
Sirius: WATERLOO?! God, Hermione, we thought yours was bad!  
  
Ron: Hang on, didn't he do ABBA last time?!  
  
Harry: (groaning cheerfully) Great! My nemesis is a seventies music fan! What did I ever do to deserve this?!  
  
Hermione: Shhhhh! You don't want to MISS it, do you?!  
  
Sirius: (sarcastically) Oh *NO* Hermione! No... Ear-plugs, everyone! Don't forget how bad it was last time!  
  
Ron: (pensively) Not nearly so bad as your attempt, Sirius, if I remember rightly....  
  
(But the conversation ended quickly, Voldemort was about to start!)  
Voldemort: (singing to 'tune' of Waterloo)   
  
Well, well! It's taken me some time to finally find you!  
  
Wormtail: (dancing around, grinning inanely) Yeah, yeah!  
  
Voldemort: (continuing, glaring at Harry) But now you've met your destiny what do you have to say?   
  
Harry: (butting in, somehow sucked into the song...) On-ly that I think you will find,   
You'll only beat us in your mi-iiiiiind!  
Voldemort! You'll be defeated we'll win the war!  
Voldemort!  
L.V: (yelling) I'll try to kill you forever more!   
  
Sirius: (whose singing was just as bad as ever, and caused everyone to clamp their hands over their ears)   
Har-ry, you, could all escape, if you wanted to!  
  
Hary: Yeah, that's true, but we can't leave all the fun to you!  
  
Hermione, Ron, Harry and Sirius - 'Choir!' : Woah, woah, woah, woah, Voldemort!  
We're not afraid of you getting sore!  
  
Voldemort: (in huge rant) My, my! I'd like to curse you into litt-le pieces!  
  
Wormtail: Yeah, yeah! And he has got me here to help him grind you to p-pulp!   
  
Sirius: (snarling) Oh yeah?! Well I've got some bad news!  
- With him on *your* side we can't loooooooooooose!   
  
Harry, Herm., Ron & Sirius: Voldemort! How can you kill us?  
- You're two, we're four!  
  
L.V: This is WAR!!!! I'm going to blast you all to the floor!  
  
Harry, Herm., Ron and Sirius: Woah, woah, woah, woah Voldemort!   
  
Harry: (pointing his wand at Voldemort and Wormtail) EXPECTO PATRONUM! Now they're no more!  
  
(Exeunt, persued by a Patronus....Yes, that's right, Harry had sent his great, galloping Patronus after Voldemort and Pettigrew, who stared at it in horror, and then ran away as fast as their legs could carry them, deep into the forest and out of sight. Everyone who wasn't evil and trying to escape an antlered projection of happiness flopped to the floor in exhaustion, laughing at the vision of Voldey and Wormtail scuttling away into the forest, chased by the enormous, glittering stag. The song, needless to say, had left with the evil-doers...)  
  
Sirius: Well that's them taken care of again, Harry!   
  
Harry: (sighing) Yeah....I'm really sorry I managed to get you all sucked into that...  
  
Ron: What?!  
  
Hermione: But why? We wouldn't have missed that fun if you'd payed us!  
  
Harry: Fun?!   
  
Sirius: (staring at a speck of blue near the gates of the castle) I think it's time I left you again, Harry. You know, (Sirius cracked a somewhat wistfull smile), I still live in hope that we may be able to talk one day, without being on the subject of, on the run from, or interrupted by dark activity. Excitement seems to follow you just as it did your Father....But here comes someone else who will no doubt claim some of your time, so I'll say goodybye. I'll be in touch soon Harry, about my ,er, 'alternative' living arrangements. When we meet again, you have my word it will be in greater comfort! If, at any point, you need my help, contact me immediately be owl. Hedwig will know where to find me! (Sirius enveloped Harry, Ron and Hermione in a quick hug, and raised his eyes over Harry's tousled head to the speck of blue, which now, heading closer, appeared to be more than a speck of blue; it had turned into Albus Dumbledore. Sirius smiled again at the approaching figure of the headmaster, and transformed into the large, jet-black dog. Allowing Harry, Ron and Hermione to pat him briefly on the head, and with a last bark to Dumbledore, Sirius sped away, back up the path that would eventually reach Hogsmeade, and his cave. Harry, Ron and Hermione turned to stare at the quickly retreating shape, and then back to that of their headmaster, which was rapidly descending upon them.)  
  
Harry: (sighing) I think we've got some explaining to do...  
  
Ron: Oh no! Not 'we', 'you!' I can only wait so long for my lunch, you know!  
  
Harry & Hermione: RON!  
  
Ron: Actually, Hermione, although I'm not saying it's going to win any PRIZES or anything, your song was better this year than it was last year! I think the general standard of singing has greatly improved around here!  
  
Hermione: (sighing) You really CAN'T remember just how bad you sounded, can you Ron??  
  
( Laughing, and arguing loudly as they went, they walked off into the Castle grounds, towards Dumbledore, safety, and a particularly good feast... )  
  
The end......(Just in case that wasn't clear!) Well, that was the concluding part of my fan-fic, so I hope you enjoyed it. It turned out, overall, a lot longer and with a lot less singing than I had planned, but hey, things rarely seem to come off as I plan them, and this hasn't gone too badly! So....Disclaimer coming up: All the characters in this fan-fic belong to J.K Rowling, and have been used in an entirely fictional (duh!) context. All the songs I, erm, 'borrowed, ' belong to their respective singers or writers, and, while I'm on the subject, I'd just like to explain that, despite 2 ABBA songs in as many fics, I'm not an obsessive or anything! It's just that the songs are so damn good for adapting! So, anyway, I think I'm done, except to say thanks to everyone at the Secret Adobe HP4 board for keeping my Harry related thoughts flowing, and for being such great people! -I lurrrrve you! LOL! :-))  
Oh, yeah, and, since they didn't get a mention in my last disclaimer when they probably should have done, thanks to my friends, for putting up with all my Harry Potter related chat!  
So, hope you're all happy and doing great, everyone reading this, and here's to many more fan-fics in the future! Thanks again for reading this! -Narcissa, serial risk-taker and lover of Bertie Bott's every-flavour beans! :-D   
  



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